Just Because I’m Old

If you are young, please attend to my plea. I used to be young. Now I am old, well older.

Please don’t call me “dear, honey, sweetie or whatever.” I’m not your dear unless your name is Art, you are three years older than me and have stuck with me through 44 years of marriage. Now I may sound cross, but dang it, a little respect is due a person who can hang in here this long, right? Who cares if you think it’s right, it is. You’re young, what do you know anyway?

If you want my advice about something, ask me. I do not give unasked for advice, except to my own children, who must endure it because I endured cleaning their behinds. And I do know quite a few things. Having been around so long, I’d have to have stuck my head in the sand not to.

Don’t talk louder when you talk to me unless I say, “Huh?”

Do explain how to run technological marvels,  and do it with some patience, will ya. My brain is so full of stuff, if it were a hard drive, it would have shut down by now.

Don’t rush in front of me to open doors, or pick up heavy stuff. If my old bones and muscles don’t get a workout they will completely shut down. That would be bad, then my kids will have to do the turn about is fair play thing.

Keep your opinions to yourself about how I dress, decorate my yard, wear my hair, or funny hats. I do not give a rat’s ass what you think. I used to, but I realized there are so many opinions in this world that I cannot please all the people any of the time (sorry Mr. Lincoln) and therefore I will do as I please. Besides, I think you may just be jealous that you aren’t doing the same.

When I tell stories you have heard before, maybe a hundred times, listen again. I may decide to embellish one, and besides I won’t be around that much longer, and once I don’t tell them you’ll be sorry you didn’t listen more. Trust me, I’d listen to my dad’s again in a heart beat if I could.

If I do things that embarrass you, like sneak a fart, or floss my teeth while I ride in the car, or sing oldies at the top of my lungs, just know that you have the same rights as I have, and go for it. Life is short, enjoy yourself – just don’t call me dear.

I really did ask God what I should write about before I sat down to write, and this is what you got. God has a weird sense of humor.

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